I have been searching for answers all my life. Mostly answers to mundane things I was curious about, but whatever trivia I could come up with was usually answered by a "look it up" from my mother. That Encyclopedia Britannica from 1964 saw a lot of action in those days, although any questions about Russia were a little tricky.
What's the difference between a giant panda and a red panda?
Look it up.
Do they live in houses like ours in China? What's a pagoda?
Look it up.
Times have changed though, and "look it up" has been replaced by "google" it. But I still do. There's a different sort of satisfaction in knowing that you took the initiative to really find out something, and it sticks with you. That makes the questions with no answers all that much harder.
Why did it have to be cancer? Was it my fault he drank so much? Could I have done anything to stop him from drinking? Would it have mattered?
What am I supposed to do now?
I've never been religious. I don't believe in God. And it's not like I actually believe in him but am just pissed cause life is hard...I just don't believe in a god. I think people just use him to give answers to the questions in life they can't answer. But that's not neccessarily a bad thing either.
What's wrong in feeling secure in knowing that there's someone out there who has this ultimate plan that everyone fits into? It makes not knowing the answers okay, because somebody else does have the answers, and they apparently got it covered. It's not working for me though. I can't google those hard questions, and just knowing that some guy down at the google headquarters has all the answers is totally not satisfying.
I still have a hard time with some questions. But I'm getting better at just being okay with not knowing.
<3 Cass
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